In the swirl of the unknowns that hovered around us as we prepared for Saira’s arrival, one was an especial wild card for me.
I had no prior experience with a postpartum body and mind all while preparing for a cross-Atlantic move. I wondered what it would feel like to be zero-to-eight weeks postpartum preparing to move and moving to India as a Fulbright Scholar.
I know now.
It felt, in the early, early days and weeks, very overwhelming.
There were moments I didn’t want to leave.
There were moments where a key reason I knew we were leaving was because I didn’t know the process of reversing this prestigious award.
When my mom left our house on Day #7 after having been with us for the first week, I cried.
I cried because I would miss her, and then I cried because I WOULD MISS HER and then later that night and the next night and three nights after that, I cried because I felt guilty for taking her granddaughter so far away.
I could acknowledge these emotions and feelings, and I did.
With an immense amount of gratitude, I retreated wholeheartedly into my new role as mom. While my husband and my mom and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law kept the household running, I sat my ass down, I held our baby and I cried when appropriate (i.e., when I needed to, which was mostly in the shower, or randomly in the kitchen, or in the recliner staring into Saira’s face.)
Feeling overwhelmed came in temporary waves, during which I hung onto the things that I knew and believed in. Sometimes in quiet moments I reminded myself. Other times my confidantes threw me a lifeline.
With Saira’s birth came a slew of tasks that needed to begin days after she was born.
I couldn’t apply for my visa until she had her passport. And I couldn’t apply for her visa until I had mine. Her passport required her birth certificate. Our flights couldn’t be purchased until we received our visas. In turn, our travel itinerary could not be finalized and the dog’s travel arrangements couldn’t be confirmed until the visas were in order.
I handled paperwork and middle-of-the-might conversations with the United States-India Educational Foundation in India. (It worked out beautifully that I was awake at random times throughout the night!)
Each step along the way required all the documents you can imagine and days of waiting between each document send-off. Between newborn naps, I obsessively checked and double-checked to make sure that in my sleep-deprived state I had filled the forms properly and provided the correct documentation. I relied on Murali to triple-check my work.
As each step was successfully completed, our newborn was gaining weight and feeding well and becoming enamored with her world. I felt like a badass. Every day a renewed sense of eagerness to launch washed over me, spontaneously mixed with “holyshitweleaveinxnumberofdays.”
That brings us to now.
Saira is eight weeks old today.
All of our departure paperwork is done.
My work projects in the U.S. are nearly complete.
Our suitcases are packed and weighed.
The house is mostly empty and ready for tenants.
The dogs are ready to travel.
Our hotel room is booked for our initial stay in Mumbai.
Our apartment is waiting for us in Bangalore.
I’ve made a shopping list.
I’m due to begin work days after we arrive.
I feel ready and not ready, excited and nervous, optimistic and sad.
People have asked me what I’m looking forward to most in the next year. My answer is long and multi-faceted, but what rises to the top is the fact that I’m eager to be in the place and with the people that raised my husband, and to have our daughter spend the first year of her life in the place that she is half of.
My mind is ready to engage with my Indian colleagues and students and to gain perspective I didn’t have before.
There are also the things to look forward to that I don’t know yet. My travel philosophy is to maintain an open mind with limited expectations so that I can truly immerse myself in the experiences I encounter.
For me, that is the beauty of travel – you’re never quite sure how the journey is going to change you.
I love your perspective and honesty in this post. Your description of crying when you needed to really spoke to me and reminded me of the first few months after my eldest son was born. Two weeks after he was born, my appendix burst and I almost died, and it led me to rethink my priorities. Within the next 9 months, my husband and I both quit our jobs in New York City, went freelance, and moved halfway across the country to resettle our family in the South. There were many times that I felt overwhelmed, but now all those experiences are part of our family’s tapestry.