I’ve heard this a few times in my adult life: “Just wait till you have kids. Then you’ll understand {fill in the blank}.”
Well, as I like to say, “Just wait till you live with your mom.”
I lost her the other night. Like, did not know her physical whereabouts for about eight hours. Whoa.
Now understand that even though we live together, we don’t see each other an awful lot because she works, so do I, and we both have moderately active social lives that often take us in opposite directions, but we usually have a rough idea of where the other is and when we might see her.
It was a Saturday. I was home. She was socializing, but before she left she told me she’d be home by 1 in the afternoon.
When 6 p.m. rolled around and she still wasn’t home, I shot her a quick text: “Hey, how are you?” No reply.
An hour later. Still nothing. Another text: “Are you OK?” No reply. I tried calling. Twice. (Maybe one right after the other.) Nada.
My brain nonchalantly starts writing the headline to her obituary.
I get on Twitter. Just, you know, to see what’s going on in the world. Are there any accidents involving a 50-something year-old woman?
I think about who she told me she was going to be with. I’m glad I have their number. You don’t even know all her friends. You don’t have all their phone numbers.
When do I file a missing person’s report?
Wait, before you get the police involved, call the friend. But I don’t want to freak the friend out. This is a highly critical situation. You don’t know where your mother is. Call the friend. OK. But before I do that, I’ll try her one more time.
I dial. It rings. She answers.
And suddenly I’m so mad.
I mean, I’ve wanted to hear her voice for the past hour of frenzying. Just answer your phone. Don’t be anywhere in a bad place like a ditch.
“Hey love, how are you?” she says cheerily.
“HOW AM I?!?! Well, I’m glad you’re alive, that’s how I am. I’ve been so worried and I was ready to call all your friends and I realized I don’t even have all their numbers. You were supposed to be home like eight hours ago and I kept trying to get ahold of you….”
“My phone was buried in my purse.”
“This is why we have phones. I’m glad you’re OK, but seriously? I had enough time to write your death notice.”
“I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.”
“Good. I’ll see you when you get home.”
#andyouthoughtteenagerswerebad
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